Everything feels unfamilar. Most of my friends, workaholic CPAs and business owners, casually ask which fancy restaurant or hotel we should eat for dinner. Years ago, we used to only complain about homework and the bland cafeteria food, but now we discuss money, tax updates, Big 4 company gossip, boss fights, and capital ventures. While I know how to do the math for these things, I still find myself questioning what’s enjoyable about these topics. It's as if my brain hasn't got its software update for 'adult mode' yet.

My phone has been ringing non-stop lately, getting added to five group chats named after southeast asian countries. My friends talk about traveling between those countries as if they're just a few blocks away! I've gradually noticed that the predominant theme among my peers is money and traveling.

I thought money wasn't THAT important, but boy, was I wrong. While my friends were busy saving and expanding their finances during college, I took the thoughtless path of volunteering for three years, on top of taking part-time jobs just for fun. If I could turn back time, I’d slap my younger self who confidently said, “We don’t need money to be happy, we just need love.” NO! WE NEED MONEY you stupid little fucker. AAAAA you’re stressing me out. Why are you giving away money willy-nilly? You’re not Santa Claus.

It took me a long time to realize that even volunteering is political. I did not know my co-volunteers were only doing it to inflate their LinkedIn profiles. I just assumed everyone had loads of money and time to burn, generous and helpful. so i did the same. lol. That was until my friend got drunk and hit me a reality check: We're not doing this for free. The connections here are worth more than money, you’ll have plenty to brag about on LinkedIn too... Lingk wat? I gasped in sheer ignorance.

Do I really want to go on these trips? tbh, I only wanna hang out with all my circles of friends, regardless what we’re up to. Sure, putting on makeup can remind me of my insecurities about my face, but if they want to bond over five hours of doing makeup and gossiping, I’ll grit my teeth and endure a couple more hours of self-hate for quality time. quality time? what even is that anymore? Most of the time, it’s just endless complaints about every little annoyance and judging other people's lives. i am withering away from my seat and flirting with the exit door afar.

Now I'm officially broke, but my friends still think I am frugal and joking. I blew my last bit of cash on a pair of shiny stiletto heels i bought at G-Mall last week. dumb purchase, i kno. But i've never been happier! At this point, I almost hope all my friends forget I exist so I can hang out with a homeless lady from the neighborhood and try on cute outfits from the donation box together. That sounds just as enjoyable as hours I spend thrifting with a friend!!

I choked on my drink for the third time in the past week when my peers hit me with that same dreaded question: “So, which law school u plan to enroll at?” Dinner with my jurist uncles was no different, they offered me a dorm and sponsorship for my education. It feels like everyone has already mapped out my future before I’ve even had a chance to think for myself. I just gave a dry laugh and deftly changed the topic by saying nice things about the afritada on my plate. As I poke at the potatoes, I can’t help but wonder... Should I pursue a law degree? I’m not sure, but protecting someone who can’t defend themselves is a silly dream I used to hold close to my heart. a desire to fight for fairness and document the truth. Yet, I worry I can’t fully trust my intentions. after all, even the road to hell is paved with good intentions too.

Looking back on my university days, I must admit that I frequently skipped accounting lectures. Yet, when it comes to my terrifying law professors' classes, I’m always there. Even if I get humiliated for voicing what may seem like ridiculous ideals, my fascination for finding a different, better answer to things far outweighs any shame or embarrassment I feel for defending a misguided point. But can I trust myself to dream again? It feels like a daunting four-year span that I can't bring myself to plan.

I’m content with the social circles I’m in now, even if they occasionally feel a bit cutthroat and competitive. A few months back, I accidentally stumbled upon someone’s old notes on their phone, my grades listed right beside theirs... my resume in someone else’s laptop documents, as if the content was a checklist they have to tick off. The things I did for fun I soon realized were being perceived as a list of my competitive advantages. Was I only a benchmark? Still, I love seeing my friends grow, even if it means we have to become rivals, like Yuno and Asta in Black Clover ... but please don’t be cold to me. it will hurt me. I promise not to aim the top spot you’re chasing after. That version of me is long dead, and I think the universe is abundant enough for everyone. In return, can we be great peers and drink beers?

Where do I want to go next? I have no clue... will it make me sound less cool to admit that (for now) I just wanna rest and play backstage? I enjoy spending time with everyone, anyone really... and I find myself chasing after every new sparkly thing I don’t quite understand. I love the thrill of pursuing the unknown, yet somehow that journey always leads me to the center of the stage, with a harsh spotlight beaming down on me. Before I know it, I’m shaking hands with a VIP in a suit. He looks serious and a bit intimidating, even with that closed-lip smile. So, I muster the courage to ask..." hi sir, do you wanna be friends with me too?"

I’ve been writing a lot lately, but much of it feels too personal to drop, and it’s piled up in my obsidian tabs. Recently, someone emailed me and gave an idea for a blog post, asking about my experiences and reflections on Neocities. So here I am writing :>

Neocities has shown me different people and lifestyles I wouldn’t have encountered in my everyday life. Living a minimal tech lifestyle and focusing solely on local happenings often left me unaware of the world's broader realities. This space has shown me both the beauty and horror of what’s out there. What amazes me most about this is how open many webmasters are about their struggles with mental illness and their queerness. In my conservative and religious IRL community, people like them are often shunned. I was often discouraged from befriending them, lest I become a target of mockery too.

In social media, I often see people being mean for no reason. But on Neocities, people are kind and supportive for no reason. They share their thoughts freely and never hold back on complimenting one another. In my five months here, I haven’t experienced any hostile interactions.

English isn’t my first or second language, so sometimes I feel lost. Many webmasters use English, and even after reading their blogs multiple times, I still don’t always understand what they mean, or at least it takes me three business days to do so. They use slang and perhaps sociolects? There are huge cultural differences between me and almost everyone else here, and most of the time, inside jokes fly right over my head more than I’d like to admit. Yet, I love the vibe of the community.

I’m just a quiet lurker and still am very shy about openly telling people how cool their sites are, so I like to keep it to myself or sometimes only tell them when they poke at me. I noticed people casually sharing their emails, so I began sending one-time messages to say nice things to them.

I started a website and writing blogs back in 2021, mainly for my own sake, not for an audience. For three years, I had zero visitors (and I liked it that way), which made me comfortable writing whatever came to mind. So when I transferred to Neocities, while it gave me the freedom to style my site however I wanted, I was overwhelmed to learn that there is someone on the other side of the void that would talk back at me.

I feel bad for the kids I traumatized during the early stages of building my Neocities site. It looked very cute and kidcore-coded, but the content was mostly NSFW. I wasn't in the right headspace at the time and would write ten consecutive blogs about my erotic obsession with death, explicitly sharing how I cut or strangled myself, along with some sexual anecdotes and death jokes. I am very sorry for the kids who were lured in by the friendly vibes of my site.

I’ve noticed that I can’t be as explicit as I used to be. I no longer write in detail about the darker sides of my life and am more careful with the jokes I make. My final writings have become much less crude than my drafts. Although the sanitized version of myself seems to diminish the depth of my narrative, I at least feel safer.

My goal on Neocities is to explore cool sites and learn from amazing people. Reading about their lives has given me helpful knowledge. It would also be nice to find a small circle of friends to pester regularly. I have no plans to promote my site or gather a large audience. I don’t want my site to blow up because I’m afraid my real-life friends and the people I date might discover it, especially since I was dumb enough to use my real name and show my face. I don’t want them to see this inward side of me.

For now, I prefer to share this part of myself with strangers. Being vulnerable is scary, to offer a piece of yourself that can be misunderstood or discarded. The emptiness that lingers when someone leaves after you open up is tough to bear. I feel safer sharing my thoughts with those I don’t know, where there’s less risk and attachment.

I never thought to use a pen name because I couldn’t come up with a name I liked enough. I think my name is pretty and its meaning fits me very well, "free woman." I love hearing the sound of my name from people’s lips, and I can't think of any other sound for people to say or write to catch my attention.

Neocities is such a nice place and I wish to be other's solace too. I am very happy and thankful for the people I got to connect with here, and I can’t wait to see where my journey takes me next.

But there's a bad man in everyone, no matter who we are
There's a rapist and a Nazi living in our tiny hearts
Child pornographers and cannibals and politicians too
There's someone in your head waiting to fucking strangle you
- AJJ - People II: The Reckoning

While the lyrics may not ring true for everyone, when I first heard that song years ago (still having LSS until now), it was cathartic. It called me out and articulated the filthy sides of myself that I struggled to recognize. For the first time, it forced me to confront the duality within me, the darkness beneath or perhaps alongside my capacity for goodness.

Before becoming a clown, two phases of false enlightenment shaped my journey. First, I subscribed to strict religious practices and indulged in reading many religious texts, all while enjoying the act of condemning those I deemed "less enlightened." In other words, I had a black-and-white mentality, categorizing humans into binary boxes of Good and Evil. Then, I explored spirituality, I tried paganism, practiced Buddhism, and ultimately settled on New Age spirituality, where God was casually referred to as "the Universe."

While I had become a less terrible version of myself by being selfless and helping others in my community, this turned into another type of ego inflation stemming from the sense of being needed and relevant. Eventually, I became self-serving and self-righteous, leading a life marked by introversion and delusional moral superiority.

Have you ever cursed someone? I went through a two-year phase as a mischievous Wiccan and had fun cursing people I hated and putting love spells on people I liked. Life was easy. Unsurprisingly, karma came back at me threefold, leaving its mark in some ugly ways. Looking back, that was stupid, but I was curious about the consequences of my actions.

I struggle to become a truly bad person, but I’m flexible enough not to be completely good either. God feels like a drug to me, a coping mechanism I use when it’s convenient. I sometimes curse or call His name but never really asked for help. I’ve always believed I am self-sufficient, either out of pride or feeling unworthy of His grace. No matter how much I try to believe in Him, He feels just as real to me as Santa Claus.

They say that people with no religious compass are apathetic and mean. Am I an apathetic person? A part of me thinks yes, I might really be apathetic. Maybe I'm just getting good at saying what people want to hear, based on my mental notes about their personalities and years of people-pleasing. Having been performative for so long, I struggle to know when I’m being genuine, making it hard to form real, deep connections. I’m trying to be sincerely kind and helpful, but that rotten part of me keeps strangling me, reminding me that it’s all just a facade. You're just deceiving everyone.

Here's to you Mr. Robinson, do I truly care about you, or do I just enjoy your praise?
Do you really love me, or have I just tricked you into loving me?

Recently, I was asked, "What is your attachment style?" My initial thought was that I had to memorize yet another label to categorize myself. I remember when I first discovered my zodiac sign, it’s often the go-to question when people want to know more about you. Eventually, I memorized my entire birth chart because some would ask about my moon sign or rising sign. Then, there’s pronouns. My safest answer has often been, “I am straight,” but I don’t know. Imagine telling people you’re bi or pansexual while having zero romantic experiences. It's synonymous with telling people you are so undesirable that no one of any gender is choosing you.

In response to the question about my attachment style, I turned it back to her: “What do you think my attachment style is?” She said it was similar to that of a cat. I felt offended. I have been with my cat, and she is the most annoying being to love. Having cats has taught me that they can be incredibly demanding yet utterly indifferent. When I try to cuddle, she often gets pissed off and runs away. However, when I'm busy, she decides that's the perfect time to plop down right in front of me, demanding my attention with the attitude of, “Worship me now!”

It’s amusing (yet infuriating) how she seems to sense when I’m feeling down, cozily curling up in my lap for hours. However, the moment I feel better and try to pet her, she reverts back to her "bitch mode." My cat often avoids me but is very possessive, getting jealous if I interact with other cats. Whenever she craves attention, she bites me. As embarrassing as it is to admit, I find that I sound like I’m describing my own behavior in how I’ve treated friends and the men I briefly dated. I resort to biting their shoulders whenever i feel neglected. And may I add, my cat is very affectionate and needy only during her heat cycles, just as I am when I am ovulating.

Reflecting on this, I don’t like the way I act. People may find it endearing at first, but eventually, they’ll get tired of putting up with it. I was thinking about how I can change. And I found myself writing love letters and sweet messages to everyone so they know I truly care about them. Unfortunately, most of their replies were, "Are you planning to disappear again?" AAAAA

I took two attachment style tests, and both results say "Avoidant/Dismissive." I haven't dug into what it means, but just by the sound of it, it feels like I'm a horrible person to be with.



While pondering, I remembered I wrote this emotionally charged BLOG where I was ranting and intellectualizing about how everyone was ignoring me. I confronted them about it. It turns out they actually did not ignore me, they just happened to be asleep while I chatted with them only at midnight and assumed everyone was awake. After feeling ignored for a few hours, I got mad at them. I thought they had ignored me for weeks, but then they pointed out my last reply was "okay, noted," which was actually non-replyable and not a great conversation starter. I told them I always check in on them every day, and they responded by saying that they had no way of knowing that when I just viewed their story and never really reached out. AAAAAA! I'M SO EMBARRASSED! It was my fault all along. I WAS OVERREACTING AND OVERTHINKING. I want to stick my head underground and ignore everyone again.